Everything’s Shit and We Don’t Have the Right Tools to Wipe

Why is 1-ply even an option in the first world? If we can’t *at the very least* guarantee everyone gets 2-ply, how can we call ourselves the vanguard of human civilization?

Using 1-ply is akin to wiping your ass with leaves. If we wanted to be wiping our asses with leaves we never would’ve left the trees. But we did because we wanted better.

Every toilet with a roll of 1-ply toilet paper is a step back into the goddamn trees.


Clever Protest Signs Are Some White People Shit

At this point it’s clear all these Marches (eg, science, taxes) are like Scrabble*: an excuse for white people to show off word play. And if you’re one of those people who share “the best sign at the protest,” you’re missing the point—while feeding into this carnival-like behavior—and you need to knock it off right now.

*Motherfucking Scrabble. Getting good at that game is the adult version of memorizing vocabulary words for the spelling test.

“Fuck” & Your Fucking Vocabulary

One day I’m going to write a treatise on the word “fuck,” and how it is, arguably, the best word in the English language. And how it is, inarguably, imbued with so much power by the very people who condemn it and not by the people who use it.

But for now, I’ll start by shutting down the stupidest argument against curses in general: “it shows a small vocabulary.” Are you really going to tell me that inoffensive words like “darn” and “shoot” used to express the same sentiments are ten dollar words? They’re all one fucking syllable words that first graders know. So shut the fuck up with that inane argument already.

Also, you’re incredibly pretentious to the point of uselessness in the real world if you truly believe that argument. In general, having a big vocabulary in English says more about how many words you’ve memorized—or had the privilege to be exposed to because of your culture/good education—than your fucking IQ.

What’s Your Beef with Kanye? John Lennon Was the Fucking Worst.

If you’re outraged by Kanye West and you like The Beatles, I don’t want to fucking hear it.

The Beatles are a fucking boy band from half a century go that hippie white people have practically canonized. John Lennon has a plaque dedicated to him in Central Park and people leave him flowers every day. He’s been dead for over 30 years and ya’ll take pilgrimages to leave him fucking flowers!

John Lennon was also a known woman and child abuser too. It’s like you can fucking compartmentalize that shit. Or at least ignore it.

Kanye hasn’t been known to do stuff like that. His crime is loud mouth bragging and shit talking. Yet that’s a capital fucking offense to you people.

More than one Beatles-loving white person has told to me they think “Kanye West represents the worst of America.” No, asshole. The worst of America is represented by hating on a black dude for bragging too much while deifying a white dude who abused women and children.