Ok, maybe you think I’m being too broad and drawing comparisons where there are none. I’m sorry you have no imagination. Here are some less high-concept leading questions: did you ever read a history book to learn more about a story whose key moments you already knew? Did you ever catch a mid-series episode of something and, knowing that was coming up, go back and watch the whole thing? Or maybe simply caught the end of a movie and been compelled to watch it from the beginning? Have you ever seen any production—stage, movie, TV or otherwise—of “Romeo and Juliet?” Did knowing how that shit was going to play out really ruin your goddamn entertainment? Was it really the worst thing ever? Did it make the experience pointless?
I’m not saying spoilers don’t change the experience of a story. Nor am I denying that for some people, and in some cases it does change the experience in a negative way. What I’m saying is you’re blowing it way out of fucking proportion. A lot of it is probably in your head.
But if you insist on not knowing anything about a popular movie, TV show, whatever-it-is that’s coming out, sign off the Internet. Get off Facebook for a day or three. I’m sure there are ways for people to stay in touch that don’t involve you having to actively scroll through social media feeds that are talking about pop culture. Don’t put your overinflated fear of spoilers on our lap to deal with.
Which isn’t to say I’m for actively spoiling movies or not giving spoiler alerts. That’s just common decency (well, for a period of time). But I’m not going to be as careful or redundant about your spoiler warnings like they were some kind of legit trigger warning. The news about Yoda’s surprise cameo in the next “Star Wars” movie* isn’t traumatic content. You’ll be fucking fine. In fact, you’ll have watched it so many times after it comes out, you won’t even remember that it was ever a surprise. And you’ll still fucking love it.
* No, asshole, that’s not a real spoiler, it’s a fucking hypothetical.