Nostalgia Doesn’t Lead Anywhere Good

hate nostalgia. I’m human, I experience it and sometimes even find myself indulging in it. But I fucking hate it. I hate the tingly feeling in gives you in the stomach. I hate the way it makes the past feel like a place worth returning to. Nostalgia seems innocent when it’s just paying to watch Hollywood reboots or daydreaming about your carefree adolescent adventures. But once the nostalgia train has left the station, you can’t control it.

Star Wars is a cool thing to like, again. So are racism and the war against poor people. They’re rebooting DuckTales but we’ve also rebooted Ronald Fucking Reagan!

Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. Please use responsibly.

I Could Go For Some Consistent Flip Flops

Another thing that annoys the shit out of me about election years: consistently saying the same thing over decades becomes a good thing and changing of one’s mind becomes a bad thing. That’s an obnoxious as fuck assumption. You could just as easily assume the opposite: consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds, change shows the capacity for reflection and growth. Boom. Now your consistent person is a hobgoblin fuck and the changed person is virtuous. In reality, it’s a case-by-case basis. We should question people who have the same ideas over a long period of time. Also, we should question people who too often change their minds.

Spoilers aren’t traumatic

You’re going to die. Whoops. Should’ve put a spoiler alert. Did I just ruin your life’s story for you? Do you feel like what’s the point of living this life now that you already know how it’s going to end?

Ok, maybe you think I’m being too broad and drawing comparisons where there are none. I’m sorry you have no imagination. Here are some less high-concept leading questions: did you ever read a history book to learn more about a story whose key moments you already knew? Did you ever catch a mid-series episode of something and, knowing that was coming up, go back and watch the whole thing? Or maybe simply caught the end of a movie and been compelled to watch it from the beginning? Have you ever seen any production—stage, movie, TV or otherwise—of “Romeo and Juliet?” Did knowing how that shit was going to play out really ruin your goddamn entertainment? Was it really the worst thing ever? Did it make the experience pointless?

I’m not saying spoilers don’t change the experience of a story. Nor am I denying that for some people, and in some cases it does change the experience in a negative way. What I’m saying is you’re blowing it way out of fucking proportion. A lot of it is probably in your head.

But if you insist on not knowing anything about a popular movie, TV show, whatever-it-is that’s coming out, sign off the Internet. Get off Facebook for a day or three. I’m sure there are ways for people to stay in touch that don’t involve you having to actively scroll through social media feeds that are talking about pop culture. Don’t put your overinflated fear of spoilers on our lap to deal with.

Which isn’t to say I’m for actively spoiling movies or not giving spoiler alerts. That’s just common decency (well, for a period of time). But I’m not going to be as careful or redundant about your spoiler warnings like they were some kind of legit trigger warning. The news about Yoda’s surprise cameo in the next “Star Wars” movie* isn’t traumatic content. You’ll be fucking fine. In fact, you’ll have watched it so many times after it comes out, you won’t even remember that it was ever a surprise. And you’ll still fucking love it.

* No, asshole, that’s not a real spoiler, it’s a fucking hypothetical.

2016 is already ruined


Fuck 2016. I can’t deal with all your opinions about who should or shouldn’t win the US Presidential election. Not for another 11 goddamn months. Let me put it this way: Batman is going to be in TWO movies this year plus the new Ghostbusters looks awesome and I can’t look forward to any of it because you’re polluting my media with this meaningless nonsense.

You know who should win the election? No one. No one deserves to be the next President of the United States because they’re all assholes.

Let’s get Trump and Bernie out of the way. They’re both opposite sides of the same coin. They’re both saying exactly what the extreme sides of their respective parties want to believe even though neither can deliver on anything they’re promising. Believing in either of them is like believing in a fairy tale. That one fairy tale is about reveling in violent, ignorant bigotry and the other is about building a fair, just utopia doesn’t matter since they’re both fucking fiction. Besides, if the race situation in America is as shitty as ever after the first black POTUS, some old white dude from Vermont-by-way-of-Brooklyn is going to solve it because he marched 50 years ago? As if.

Cruz and Rubio? Nothing is more likely to get you on my shit list than supporting either Cruz or Rubio. They’re Cubans. My family came from Cuba. I was raised around Cubans. I fucking hate Cubans. They’re a bunch of shifty, selfish, arrogant, dim-witted fucks. I call myself a New Yorker first and foremost, if only to fight the Cuban in me. I understand why Anakin was so whiny in the Star Wars prequels: the struggle against the Dark Side is real. Yeah, I would rather have Trump in the White House than either of these chumps.

Which I guess leaves a bunch of random shitheads on the right and Clinton on the left. No one cares about the random shitheads anymore, so really just Clinton. It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s that I think she’ll lie, cheat and steal if she has to in order to be President. Even moreso than expected, that is. And probably more fucking enthusiastically than anything she does in public.

See? All assholes. So shut the fuck up and try to make 2016 bearable for me, ok? I have more important things, like Batman and Ghostbusters, on which to focus.